My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
