At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
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Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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