That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
