Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
