I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
