she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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