Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
