Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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