This is not my ceiling
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
