I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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