I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
