while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
