last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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