is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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