We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
