She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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