Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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