We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
