This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
