I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize