Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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