Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
