whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
