I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
