Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
