Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
