she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
