It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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