Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
