first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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