Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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