I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
