I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
