You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You may now shotgun with the bride
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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