Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
