My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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