you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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