I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
