i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
