woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
