I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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