Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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