I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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