I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
