Betty ford says i'm here all night
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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