a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
