Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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