so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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