Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
