I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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