hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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