He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
