He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Randomize
