i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He did a backflip because drugs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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