Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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