Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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