Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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