last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
