Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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