I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
