it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
